I am munching on cashews. I am a junk food vegan. I eat healthy often, but I eat unhealthy often too. Lots of fat and carbs and sugar. The typical food addiction. Blah.

I almost ordered meat twice in the past few days. Well, not so much that I almost did, but I thought about doing it. I imagined the taste and texture in my mouth. I remembered how it felt to eat meat. Cheese. Coffee with cream. I wanted it, and I thought 'just this once'.

But I didn't. I remember that last time I tried to go vegan, it started going down after one bite of poutine. Soon after that it was vegetarian, and then fish, and then shawarma and then I just didn't care anymore.

I care now though. I care enough to remember that at the very least, I, one person, can refuse to contribute to confining, slaughtering and eating animals. On ethical grounds, I am convinced. On health grounds, not so much. I'm leaning more towards a traditional, organic, natural and seasonal diet, and that's not possible with veganism in Canada. I'm not sure what is possible anymore. I'm anxious for next planting season. Anxious for the end of this season, to see if the seeds will come and if I can understand the natural process.

I think I can, I think I can.

This time around, the vegan things is alot easier. Recipes, new ingredients. I should be getting paid this week and thank god for that! I've been living on... well... not much for the last couple of days. My earth Balance is almost gone. I am drooling thinking of the all the yummy food I am going to buy when I get paid. Vital wheat gluten, chocolate, coconut oil, walnuts... I have tons of basil, and my little basil tomato experiment yesterday was a fail. It's gross. I also discovered hummus with toasted flax seeds. I have an hors d'oeuvres recipe I want to try. Off to pick up TTC tickets.

I have noticed something. Most vegans I meet are really skinny. Like bony, skeletal skinny. I wonder if this is a vegan thing, or just a healthy-eating thing. One of the LJ groups I was on earlier had a few comments about veganism being the suspected culprit in someone's thinness (in non-vegans' minds). Whatever the case, coincidence or not, I don't want to be skinny (though something tells me I never will be) and lose my curves. And I don't know why I am so annoyed with all of the vegan communities I find. I think it's the harsh judgement and labels... like "omni" "pesca"... stuff like that. Functional words but... Sounds pretentious and hipster to me, and maybe that's what annoys me. I think it's just the self-righteousness ranted about below. I dunno. In one way it's comforting to know there are people out there who feel the same way as me, but there seem to be very few who truly have cravings and struggle the way I do. Will there some a point when I will no longer miss dairy?

But then again, it would seem more helpful right now to evaluate and figure out why *I* have a problem with these vague rumblings. I'm sure it's some reflection of me.

Sigh. My Manischewitz soup is ready. I ate a bag of chips for dinner and I learned to always read the label. ALWAYS.

On the vegan boards and such, there is SO much self-righteousness. I think I used to be like that. Not everyone can handle a vegan diet. It might be morally wrong, but it is socially acceptable to follow the SAD (haha. the Standard American Diet IS sad). Why can't some of these people see that? I understand their indignation, but I myself used to be blind to food sources. People need to realize things in their own time, and in their own way. I know it's easy to feel superior as a vegan, but still... It annoys the fucking shit out of me when people question my diet as being crazy, so I try not questions theirs' too much. I know how hard it is to give up meat. I ate it my whole life. And people who "don't respect vegetarians" (the real kind, not pescatarians), even though they're trying, or who constantly make radical comparisons to butchering and eating humans are just not helping the rest of us who are not so extreme.

I think any step towards being healthier and conscious of life for non-humans is a good step. It's not enough, but it's something. We can't all be perfect little vegan princesses who never crave meat and always have our kale smoothies in the morning. I find the truth to be depressing, and I can see why people avoid it so passionately. that is my rant.

I am having crazy cravings the past few days which I am substituting with junk food. I am craving meat and cheese and creamy stuff. It's been 3 weeks now since going vegan and it's easier than last time. I can't help but think that if I could afford to eat what I want to eat it would be much easier. But still... I crave animal products. It's very effective to watch a slaughterhouse movie, or a Monsanto promo ad, but still... I want the cravings to stop. I definitely feel addicted. But I feel like with the proper resources, I can manage.

3 weeks is up, but I am not giving up. When I get a paycheque I'm going to splurge on phony bologna and tofurkey (if I can find that shit without milk ingredients) and maybe even some vegenaise. ha. And some mason jars. We already have an abundance of beans. Mmmmm beans...

Not being able to eat anywhere is beginning to annoy me, though.

Cravings are killing me right now. Cheese. chicken. fish. Should NOT have watched that Hell's Kitchen finale show. Will this pass? I find my body is starting to crave what it seems to need for the past few days... but I don't want to want meat or dairy, or to need it. BAH! I want to cry, I want meat so badly. And I even have it. A container of frozen pasta sauce in my fridge. Should I toss it as I once tossed leftover coke in the morning, knowing that if I have a taste of it I am screwed? lol... it's actually not that tempting. Nothing is tempting because I am broke. Too broke to shop for anything really, and so I'll have to make do with last week's sensible frozen veggies. I knew I'd be right in this spot.

I just keep thinking of blue cheese, and rotten cheese, and rotten meat, and then rotten veggies and fruit and see the difference. Rotting animal fat is just... *shivers* ugh... but rotting veggies are gross, yes, but can be composted, and rotting fruit often becomes wine, and I love my wine.

I'm ranting to distract me from my hunger. I like to really what I eat, and I don't have truly enjoyable food right now. I feel weird. I got food issues.

Perhaps it's time to crack open the tofu.

So, I've been having fun, experimenting with different foods. One week vegan today. It feels different than last time, perhaps because I am eating alot more fiber and have discovered chocolate soy milk and TVP. Still not sure about the allergy, but I am hoping for the best.

I started a new vegan recipe blog The Ghetto Vegan because google page creator is cumbersome, flickr is crap unless you pay, and I find the tags just so convenient.

The bumps on my legs and thighs are starting to go away again, and I feel less hungry most of the time, even when I am stoned. Only a couple of cheese cravings, and one for chicken shawarma earlier.

Y keeps laughing at me because I was such sham vegetarian, but it only strengthens my resolve. I'll show him!

So I lived on hummus and cans for a few days, but I'm starting to experiment. I tried this recipe today, derived from a Bif Naked video:



I modified it slightly, and it's amazing. Though I used a food processor, not a blender, and the look is completely different, but totally yummy. (this is my first attempt)

I used (roughly):

Green citrus sauce
3/4 c. chopped fresh cilantro - though I think it could use much more
1/2 c. olive oil
1/2 medium orange
1/2 medium lemon (both peeled and cut in half - if using a food processor, remove harder skins)
3 cloves garlic, chopped
salt and pepper
1/4 tsp. cumin
1-2 tbsp. each sunflower and flax seeds

I think that's it. It was thick in a food processor, and not really ok for a dressing. I could have used alot more olive oil, and citrus. I put it on my pasta. Photos to come.

Oh. Instructions:
Blend in a blender until smooth but slightly chunky. Adjust proportions to taste

I want to be healthier. I did this last year and I am afraid to fail again. The mistake was eating that poutine that Faye ordered. I'll never forget how good that cheese tasted, with that gravy. Wow. Even veggie burgers in restaurants usually have animal stuff. But anyways, after that I was done for. The bacteria in cheese being addictive makes perfect sense to me. Kind of like when I gave up fast food years ago. It was really, really hard for about 2 solid weeks, then I never craved it, except for perhaps 2 or 3 times in 3 or 4 years. Gross. I just shivered at the thought, while at the same time salivating over the thought of McDonald's fries. *droooollll*I wonder if Mcd's fries are vegan?

Yeah. I ate greens today and noticed a difference. More energy and my muscles feel stronger. I felt good after... 5 days.

Furthermore, this lady is freakin' AWESOME! If you have any interest in vegan cooking, check her out below.

I am DYING to try this:



Y is here, sleeping. I can see him in my newly-arranged makeshift bachelor. I kind of miss the bedroom, but this will do for now.

I'm going to start a recipe blog.

I can do this. this is something I want.

oats. bulgur. coriander. garlic. no frills.

There is no way this guy is talking French... if he is, it's a dialect I don't understand.

this looks so goooood. I miss my Nigerian friend's spicy rice dishes!

I love the health food store. I am lucky that it's just around the corner. But it's also for sale :( I suspect they don't do much business, except for us few stragglers in the area.

So, now I have this big bag of TVP and no idea what to do with it. I have been crapping all day, which apparently is normal when going vegan. Ultimately, I'd like to be a raw vegan.

Almond milk... unsweetened.... bah... def. going for the sweetened variety next time. Not sure if I should take my bike in or not. I can't really afford it now, but I do I want to have to wait several weeks, until I am employed and get a paycheque? Not really.. think I'm going to go now. Fucking chain. I bet there's a million other things wrong with it too. Let's see.

It's upon me... day 2 of being vegan again. Imperial margarine nearly broke my little heart. Who knew WHEY was milk shit? I guess vegans knew that. Now I know. Sigh. Why does eating healthy have to be so BLOODY expensive. I mean, excuse me, but am I not JUDGED by almost everyone I meet because of my weight? Isn't there a "war on obesity" or some shit like that? Isn't heart disease still the biggest killer? Then WHAT THE FUCK is milk and cholesterol and animal fat doing in EVERYTHING in the fucking grocery store? I should not have to go to a health food store and spend double just to get stuff without dairy!

FUCK. I am frustrated. I can not live on chickpeas forever. And I don't know... this impending doom feeling I am having... the filling of the water bottles... I am hanging on to the tuna and corned beef just in case. Hey.. laugh if you must, but my friends got flooded last week and had hail... at Keele and Sheppard!!! WTF. And if some disaster should occur, and there is no food, well damn straight I'll eat meat from a can.


Fucking WHEY! Go AWAY... AWHEY... lol

I don't know if I can do this.

Cream. I will miss you most of all.

I am having coffee now... the last with cream. :(

I almost ran out and bought soy milk. I will, later. I'm going to give Allison all of my cheese and yogurt.

I don't even want to think about the cheese in my fridge. There's so much of it, even that cellophane-wrapped shit I swore off years ago. It was on sale and mozzarella is the bomb. Can I really give up dairy? I know cream is going to be tough, as is cheese. I remember how hard it was last year when I went vegan. I only lasted a week, plus some flavoured chips. It's those damn modified milk ingredients. Sigh.

The garden is going to make it a bit easier to connect more with nature, and thus with food.

Yes. I am once again attempting to go vegan. I'm tired of feeling crappy and not caring what eat.

I am totally craving a grilled cheese sandwich. O.M.G. Can I do this? For 3 whole weeks? Is there even any point if I don't continue? Oh, sure there is. Just 3 weeks.


Going to enjoy my last day of dairy. I have enough cream left for one cup of coffee. I am my own worst enemy. How can I do this??

Going to have to research healthy foods.